Episode 213
I could come in here and pep talk you. Remind you who the fuck you are. Tell you to get your ass out of the seat and go all in, because that is absolutely the energy. && also, there might be some things creating more friction than you feel like you have control over right now.
This episode is for the woman who is all in mentally but can’t figure out why her brain won’t cooperate with her body long enough to actually do the thing. I know this woman well. I’ve been her.
&& I think the answer is almost never motivation. It’s almost always friction. Specifically, which of four kinds.
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The Four Friction Points Keeping You Stuck
1. Clarity
Anything vague is paralyzing. Full stop.
In Europe, every time I had an idea, rather than leaving it as a concept, “I want to launch this thing” or “I want to create this,” I sat down and broke it into actionable steps. Because the moment something stays vague, the internal dialogue takes over. You could never. It’s too much. It’s not the right time.
That voice isn’t truth. It’s just what happens when your brain can’t see a clear path forward.
If you can relate to neurodivergency, burnout, holding a million roles, perimenopause, or all of the above — you need clarity more than the average person. Not because you’re less capable, but because a vague massive goal will tear you under the water before you even get started.
Break it down. I like 15-minute tasks because that’s what fits my life. Sometimes I have a full day, often I have 15 minutes. Match the task to the capacity you actually have, not the capacity you wish you had.
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2. Capacity
This one people get wrong constantly, && I say that with love.
When the ask you’re placing on yourself exceeds your cognitive, physical, or emotional resources, the solution is not better time management. No amount of planning or scheduling fixes a capacity problem. You cannot organize your way out of empty.
The move is to remove before you add.
If you want to drink more water, post every day, pitch yourself, && work out consistently, great. I love this for you. But what is coming off the plate first? Because adding to a plate that’s already full is not ambition. It’s a setup.
I watch this with clients constantly. They come in excited about a new goal, && the first thing we do is figure out what’s leaving. That’s not pessimism. That’s math.
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3. Emotional Cost
This is the friction nobody is naming, && it’s probably the most powerful one.
Starting something requires tolerating uncertainty. Boredom. Imperfection. Visibility. The very real possibility of disappointment. && that emotional cost, the one sitting underneath the surface that you’ve never put words to, is the thing that keeps you from moving.
What I’ve started doing, && what I encourage with clients, is asking before any new project: what feelings does beginning this actually require me to tolerate? Not to solve them. Just to name them.
Because once you name it, your brain stops running off looking for proof that the feeling is justified. Oh, I’m afraid of wasting time. I’m afraid this won’t work. I’m afraid of what happens if I put myself out there && it’s not enough. Okay. Now we’re talking about something real.
Worst case scenario it, too. Ask yourself honestly: is the emotional catastrophe my brain is predicting actually going to happen? Probably not. But your brain is trying to protect you, && you have to speak to it directly before it will let you move.
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4. Activation
This last one is for the woman who knows exactly what to do && still isn’t doing it.
You don’t have a strategy problem. You have an activation problem. Nothing is making it immediate or accessible enough for your brain to actually start.
The older I’ve gotten, the more procrastination crept in as a personality trait I had to actively work against. && what I figured out is that I need activation in my body — that real-deadline, this-has-to-happen-now feeling — to actually move. Not emergency. Not crisis. Immediacy.
Here’s what creates it: real deadlines with real consequences. Breaking projects down week by week so even a three-month launch has something due this week. Accountability partners, which honestly have changed everything for me this year. Timers — old school, boring, wildly effective. Ten minutes on this. Thirty minutes in Voxer. Forty-five minutes to write this email, so help me God.
Whatever gets your nervous system to register that now is the time.
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The Question to Ask When You’re Stuck
Next time you hit a wall, instead of defaulting to “I’m lazy” or “I’m not motivated enough” or “I need to figure out my mindset,” run through these four:
Is it unclear? Break it down.
Is my capacity genuinely maxed? Remove before you add.
What emotional cost am I avoiding? Name it.
Is it missing immediacy, structure, or accountability? Build it in.
Discomfort is information. It’s not a stop sign. You don’t need to feel perfectly focused, regulated, or ready before you begin. You only need to understand what’s creating the friction — so you can finally move through it.
&& if there are stupid stories in your head telling you it’s too late, that you can’t do it anymore, that you’re not who you used to be — I call bullshit. All day, every day.
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> “You don’t need to feel perfectly focused, motivated, regulated, or ready before you begin. You only need to understand what friction is making it impossible to move — so you can move.”
xx, Ash 🖤
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