Episode 210
I was already late. I had a networking event to get to, makeup on for once, && a morning that was not cooperating.
My middle son woke up at 5:30 AM complaining of a headache && saying he didn’t want to go to school. I knew within about thirty seconds it wasn’t the headache. I also knew, because we’d done this exact dance a couple weeks earlier, that if I just let him stay home we’d have screens on and a perfectly happy kid within the hour.
But instead of just sending him to school or letting him stay home, I sat down next to him at breakfast when I had approximately zero time to do that. && what came out of that twenty minutes changed how I’m thinking about everything.
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Getting to the Root Instead of the Surface
Here’s the thing about kids, && honestly about most people: if you ask too many questions too fast, they shut down. The interrogation approach doesn’t open anyone up. It closes them.
So instead of asking him what was wrong, I started talking. I shared times I didn’t want to do something. Experiences I’d had in school. Moments when things felt hard && I just really didn’t want to show up. No solution attached. No “but here’s what I did and it worked out fine.” Nobody wants to hear that. I just met him where he was.
&& slowly, he started talking. He told me about recess getting cut short because other kids were misbehaving. About not getting enough time outside. About things that weren’t fair. I listened to all of it without trying to fix it, because it wasn’t the real thing yet.
Then I shared something with him. A metaphor that I think is worth passing along.
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The Seed Your Brain Is Watering
I told him: any time you decide something, like deciding you don’t like school, you plant a seed in your brain. And from that point on, your brain starts looking for proof that you’re right. Every time the teacher is annoying, every time recess gets cut short, every time something doesn’t go the way you wanted, it waters that seed. More && more proof. More && more weeds.
Until all you can see is the thing you decided was true.
He got quiet. I could see it landing. && then he looked at me && said: what if I fail? What if I mess up? What if I don’t get it right?
&& there it was. The real thing. Not the headache. Not the recess. It was that he’d been awake most of the night terrified of not getting something right. Scared to ask too many questions. Scared to not understand. Scared to be wrong in front of everyone.
I stopped trying to solve it. I just said: no matter what happens, whether you fail or succeed or mess up or nail it, I will always, always be here. So will your dad.
We hugged. He left for school. I cried in the kitchen while his older brother stared at me like I’d lost my mind.
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Then I Realized I Was Teaching Myself
I got in the car to drive to my event && I started replaying the conversation. The seed metaphor. What you focus on grows. The choice between watering the weeds && watering the things that actually bring you joy.
&& I thought: where have I been doing exactly this?
The answer was embarrassingly easy to find. I have to do the meal plan. I have to grocery shop. I have to send this email. I have to make this connection. I have to, I have to, I have to.
That’s not a productivity problem. That’s not a time management problem. That’s a perspective problem. && when I saw it clearly, I saw it for what it actually is: a version of victim mentality so subtle most people never name it.
Not the dramatic kind. Not the kind where you blame everyone around you for what’s going wrong. The quiet kind. The kind that shows up as low-grade resentment toward your own life. The kind that makes you feel like you’re being dragged through your days instead of choosing them.
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I Have To vs I Get To
The flip is almost embarrassingly simple. && I’m sharing it anyway because simple is not the same as easy, && this one is worth saying out loud.
I get to write a meal plan for a family I’m obsessed with.
I get to pay bills alongside a husband who is my best friend.
I get to send an email that sounds like me && only me.
I get to record a podcast from my car on the way to a room full of women who inspire me.
None of those things changed. The facts are identical. What changes is the frame around them, && the frame changes everything about how the day feels.
Now, I want to be clear: I’m not talking about toxic positivity. I’m not saying pretend the hard things aren’t hard. Some of what’s in my life is genuinely difficult, && glossing over that doesn’t serve anyone. The I get to mentality isn’t about pretending. It’s about choosing where your attention goes, because your brain will find evidence for whatever you point it at.
Point it at what you resent && it will show you resentment everywhere. Point it at what you’re grateful for && it will start to show you more of that. Not because the world changed, but because your attention is selective && you’re the one running it.
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What This Has to Do With the Reclamation
I’m in the middle of a 90-day challenge right now to find out whether I still want what I’ve been building. && I keep finding that the answer to big questions like that doesn’t usually come from thinking harder. It comes from looking at what’s already in front of me && asking whether I’m actually seeing it clearly.
If I’ve been watering the wrong seeds in my business, if I’ve been focusing on the parts that drain me && telling myself that’s the whole picture, of course I’m going to feel like I want out. Of course it’s going to feel like it’s not worth it. The evidence I’ve been collecting would support exactly that conclusion.
But what if I started collecting different evidence? What if I started pointing my attention at the parts that light me up, the client calls, the moments of genuine connection, the work I’m proud of, and let that be what grows?
I think the answer I’m looking for in these 90 days is less about whether the business itself is right && more about whether I’m willing to see it from the right angle.
My son taught me that this morning at 5:30 AM while I was irritated && running late. I’ll take it.
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“What you focus on grows. && if you’ve accidentally been living in I have to instead of I get to, everything starts to feel like a weight you’re dragging instead of a life you’re building.”
xx, Ash 🖤
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