Episode 209
Last week I made an announcement. I’m giving myself 90 days to find out what happens when I genuinely go all in on my business again. Not to rebuild what I had before. Not to become a past version of myself. To answer a question I’ve been circling for too long: do I still want this?
This week is the follow-up. The rules. The specifics. What you’re actually going to see starting October 1st.
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The Problem With Only Half Participating
Here’s the thing I finally said out loud that I should have said a long time ago.
I cannot accurately decide whether I’m done with entrepreneurship while I’m only half participating in it.
I’ve been in and out. Showing up when I felt like it, pulling back when I didn’t. Doing enough to keep things moving but not enough to actually find out what happens when I go all in. And then wondering why I’m not getting the dopamine, the excitement, the momentum I used to get.
That’s not data. That’s noise. You can’t make a real decision about something you haven’t actually tried. So I’m going to try it. Fully. For 90 days. && then I’ll know.
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The Rules I Set for Myself
I needed observable behaviors. Not vague intentions. Not massive multi-year goals. Specific, trackable, micro-commitments that let me actually see whether full participation changes anything.
Here’s what I committed to.
Show up on social media every single day for 90 days. Not overthought. Not overproduced. Just show up && publish something. Part of this is accountability, part of it is visibility, && a big part of it is figuring out who I am when I have something to show up for && something to say consistently. I’ve been off since last spring. Coming back is uncomfortable. That’s the point.
Practice discomfort deliberately, every single week. Not as a byproduct of the other things, but as a chosen strategy. Seeking out rejection. Following up on things that feel awkward. Pitching myself when I’d rather not. Tracking the practice, not just the outcome. Because discomfort is where the evidence lives, && I’ve been avoiding it for too long.
Protect my attention like it’s the most valuable thing I have, because it is. Creating before consuming. Focused task work instead of drifting. Ten-minute starts to break the inertia instead of hours of procrastination. The things I’ve taught for years, the things I know work, applied to myself as if they matter. Because they do.
Prioritize income-producing activities. IPAs, if you want the industry term. I built a level of sustainable, recurring success a few years ago && then got comfortable. The safety net stopped pushing me. I stopped treating visibility && sales like requirements && started treating them like optionals. They’re not optionals. They’re the work. && I’m going back to treating them that way.
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What This Is Actually For
I want to be clear about what I’m not doing here.
I’m not trying to find the version of myself who existed five years ago. That woman doesn’t fit my life anymore && I don’t want her to. I have three kids who feel like almost-adults in certain moments, a home I love, a marriage that’s in a genuinely good place, && twelve-plus years of hard-earned understanding about who I am && how I work. I’m not starting over.
What I’m doing is reigniting something in the version of me that exists right now. The 39-year-old who knows more than she ever has about herself && has somehow been letting that knowledge keep her still instead of moving.
I’ve been doing a lot of healing. A lot of self-awareness. A lot of naming && processing && understanding. && I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: there is a point at which you can over-heal yourself into a demise. Where the endless examination becomes the avoidance. Where “I’m still figuring it out” becomes the reason nothing moves.
This 90 days is not about figuring anything out. It’s about collecting evidence. What happens when I show up fully? Does the excitement come back? Does the momentum return? Do I want to keep going? I don’t know yet. && I can’t know by thinking about it.
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The Thing I Wish Someone Had Told Me
I wish somebody had grabbed me by the shoulders a few years ago && said: you’re letting it slip.
Not in a dramatic way. Not all at once. Just minute by minute, piece by piece, the version of me who went all in && believed success was inevitable was disappearing. && I didn’t notice because each piece was small enough to rationalize. That’s rest. That’s wisdom. That’s honoring my season.
Some of it was. But some of it was fear dressed up as self-care, && by the time I recognized the difference, a lot of time had passed.
I’m saying this not to shame myself, because shame doesn’t move anything. I’m saying it because if you’re listening && feeling even a flicker of recognition, I want you to hear it now instead of later: you might be letting it slip. && the only way to find out is to stop protecting yourself from the answer.
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“I can’t accurately decide whether I’m done with entrepreneurship while I’m only half participating in it. So I’m going all in for 90 days to find out.”
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MIXTAPE opens September 21st. Waitlist only. It’s built for exactly this, knowing yourself well enough to recognize when you’re getting in your own way && knowing what to do about it. Link in the show notes.
Come find me on social media starting October 1st. I’ll be there every day.
xx, Ash 🖤
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