Episode 207
Last episode I got honest about uncertainty, about not having it figured out, about wanting a life where I don’t have to work so hard && then feeling the shame of that admission. && I ended with this: I don’t need to have everything figured out. But I do need to start moving again.
This episode is about what moving actually requires.
And the answer, which I did not love arriving at, is this: sometimes it requires doing things that don’t feel good. Things that aren’t aligned. Things that make you want to crawl out of your skin. && sometimes that’s not a signal to stop. Sometimes that’s just what the thing costs.
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We Got Really Good at Sophisticated Excuses
Here’s what I’ve been sitting with. We have gotten incredibly, impressively good at giving psychological explanations for why we’re not taking action.
Is this aligned? Does this feel expansive? Is my nervous system saying no? Is this a trauma response? Am I forcing something? Does this honor my capacity? Do I need rest?
And look, I have asked every single one of those questions. I have taught people to ask those questions. They are not bad questions. But somewhere along the way, those questions became a very sophisticated way of saying: I just don’t fucking want to do it.
&& here’s the thing. Not wanting to do something is real information. It’s just not always instruction.
There is a difference between discomfort that is a message && discomfort that is an invitation. When you sit down to write a sales email && your whole body resists it, maybe that’s because selling is vulnerable, not because this is the wrong moment to sell. When visibility feels exhausting, maybe it’s because exposing yourself to judgment is genuinely uncomfortable for a human being, not because you shouldn’t be visible. When pitching yourself makes you want to disappear, maybe it’s because rejection sucks, not because your intuition is telling you to stop.
We don’t always get to know which one it is in the moment. But I think we’ve been defaulting too hard to the first interpretation. && it’s keeping us still.
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Does Your Behavior Match What You Say You Want?
I want to ask you the question that kind of broke me open when I asked it to myself.
What does the thing I say I want actually require me to be willing to do?
I say I want a more successful business. That’s going to require me to put 70 to 80 percent of my time into visibility, whatever avenue I choose. Am I doing that? Not really.
I say I want more intentionality with my kids. Is my calendar reflecting that? Am I actually scheduling it or just hoping it happens in the margins?
I say I want to feel good in my body. Am I eating the things I know create that? Or am I choosing ease because ease is available && I’m tired?
Here’s a small example from my actual week. I came home to find my son on YouTube during the school week, which is against our household rules. My husband had let it slide because he was getting on a call && didn’t want the argument. When I pushed back, he said: “You’re right. I took the easy way out.”
That’s it. That’s the whole thing. We take the easy way out. Not because we’re bad or lazy or broken. Because we’re human && ease is right there && the thing we actually want requires effort we don’t always feel like making.
The question isn’t whether you’re allowed to choose ease sometimes. Of course you are. The question is whether choosing it is moving you toward what you actually want or away from it.
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You Don’t Get Aliveness Without the Uncomfortable Parts
I have the word “alive” tattooed on my hand. It’s my whole thing. Feeling && being fully alive is my mantra, my North Star, the thing I come back to.
&& what I’ve had to reckon with is that being fully alive requires willingly experiencing things that don’t feel good. That’s not a contradiction. That’s just how it works.
Love comes with grief. Ambition comes with disappointment. Visibility comes with judgment. Having a business requires selling. Relationships require conflict. Parenting requires guilt && shame && constantly questioning yourself. Trying anything requires being willing to fail.
We don’t get to selectively remove the discomfort without also potentially removing the aliveness && success we’re chasing. You can’t have one without accepting the other.
&& somewhere in the past little while, I got very comfortable treating discomfort as evidence that something was wrong. I started asking “is this aligned?” when what I really needed to ask was “is this just hard?” Because hard && wrong are not the same thing. Hard is often exactly right.
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What This Season Actually Requires
Here’s what I landed on after all of this processing, && it’s the simplest thing I’ve said in two episodes.
I think this next season is about being unaligned. About doing shit I don’t want to do. About bringing back the version of me that goes all in even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s uncertain, even when I don’t have the whole picture yet.
That version of me didn’t disappear. She went to sleep a little in some areas. && I’m ready to wake her up.
Self-awareness, the kind I talk about constantly, the kind that MIXTAPE is built around, was never supposed to create increasingly elaborate explanations for why we’re stuck. It’s supposed to give us more choice. More clarity about what we actually want && what it actually costs. && then the willingness to pay that cost.
Understand yourself. Recognize what’s happening. Then choose what you’re going to do anyway.
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> “Somewhere along the way we started treating discomfort as evidence that something is wrong. It isn’t. The version of you that goes all in is still in there. It’s time to resurrect her.”
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MIXTAPE opens September 21st, on my daughter’s eighth birthday, && only to people on the waitlist. It’s everything I’ve built around understanding the psychology behind your patterns so you can stop letting them run your business. Get on the list if you want in.
xx, Ash 🖤
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