Episode 206
I hit record without knowing what I was going to say.
I’m in a funky season. Not a bad one, not a crisis, just… funky. The kind where the word that keeps coming up for me is certainty, && not in the “I have it” way. More like: does anyone actually have it? Because I don’t. && the more I learn, the less certain I seem to become.
This episode is me processing that out loud. Unscripted, unpolished, decaf iced latte in hand, because I am a little bitch who cannot handle real caffeine. And honestly? I think it might be one of the most useful things I’ve put out in a while.
The Data That Felt Like a Permission Slip
I’m 39. Newly 39. && I’ve been feeling different for a couple of years now in a way that isn’t going away.
So I did what I do when I’m curious about something: I looked it up. && what I found about women aged 35 to 44 felt like someone finally put words to something I’ve been carrying without a name.
Women at this age sit at one of the highest baseline stress levels of any demographic. Not because we’re fragile. Because we’re the sandwich generation. Career peak. Childcare demands. Aging parents. An economy that costs significantly more than it did five years ago && wages that haven’t kept up. A gender gap in stress that the data shows clearly, with women in this age range reporting stress levels of eight, nine, or ten out of ten while their male counterparts average closer to five.
And then there’s what the research calls the hidden load epidemic. Millennial women, roughly ages 27 to 42, are managing both invisible domestic labor && career responsibility simultaneously, in a way that previous generations didn’t navigate in quite the same configuration. We were told we could have it all. Nobody mentioned that having it all means doing it all.
Reading that, I felt something release in my chest. Not because it solved anything. Because it named something. I didn’t invent this feeling. It’s real, it’s widespread, && it’s pointing to something worth looking at.
The Thing I Said Out Loud That I’ve Never Said Before
I want to be honest about something in this episode, because if I can’t be honest here I can’t be honest anywhere.
For the first time in my life, I said out loud: I could really go for a life where I didn’t have to work.
And immediately I felt the shame of it. This burning in the back of my throat, like I might cry. Because I’m here coaching ambitious women. I’m here telling you to go after it. && here I am wanting a slower life, a cozy life, a life where I read books && decorate my house && connect with my kids without the constant pressure of also running a business.
But when I really looked at where the shame was coming from, I realized: it’s not the coaching I want a break from. I genuinely love those calls. I could do that forever. It’s everything else. The marketing, the selling of myself, the never-ending to-do list, the fact that I’ve been working since I was 14 years old && haven’t really stopped.
That’s not a red flag about my ambition. That’s an honest reckoning with what I actually want versus the version of entrepreneurship I’ve been running. Those are different things. && pretending they’re the same is what keeps us stuck.
The More You Know, the Less Certain You Become
Here’s the thing that’s been sitting with me most.
I always assumed that the older I got, the more I’d have it figured out. That certainty would come with experience, with wisdom, with just enough time to sort everything out. Instead, the opposite seems to be happening. The more I understand about any category of my life, the more nuanced it gets, && the less black-and-white the answers feel.
At 25, you think you’ll figure it out one day. At 30, you feel like you’re getting there. At 39, I’m starting to suspect there is no graduation ceremony. No day when everything clicks into place && stays there. No version of me that finally knows.
And I think I’m becoming okay with that. Not completely, not without resistance, but more than I used to be.
Because here’s what I’ve also started to notice: I’m suspicious of anyone who seems too certain. The people who promise that if you follow their morning routine, use their system, eat this way, build your business like this, everything will finally feel right && easy. I’m not saying they’re lying. I’m saying certainty is profitable, && I think we should ask more often: who benefits from me believing there is one right answer?
That’s not cynicism. That’s discernment. Learn from everything. Give nobody the authority to make choices for you.
The Things I’ve Changed My Mind On
One of the things I respect most about myself, && I’m going to say that without apology, is my ability to change my mind && hold that change with confidence.
Homeschooling was one of the best things I ever did for my kids. And now public school feels right. Both of those things are true.
Travel used to feel essential, like the thing our family needed to grow and become. Now stability && roots && relationships feel more important for where my kids are. Also true.
My business has had more iterations than I can count. Versions of me that gave very different advice than I give now, operated in very different ways, chased very different things. And I’m not ashamed of any of it, because each version was right for who I was at the time.
What I’ve outgrown is the idea that I should be consistent for consistency’s sake. That once I’ve said something publicly, I’m locked into it. That changing means I was wrong before. It doesn’t. It means I kept going.
All In or All Out
I want to share something I believe that not everyone will agree with, && I’m putting it out there because I think it matters.
I was at a Wealth Walk recently, a group of entrepreneurial women who meet for a walk && connect, and I ended up in a conversation with two women who both mentioned wanting to be more consistent on social media but feeling stuck about it. And what came out of me was this: I think in business, half-measures don’t work. You’re either all in or you’re better off directing that energy somewhere you actually want to go all in on.
Not in every category of life. Eating one healthy meal is better than none. A short walk beats sitting on the couch. But in business && visibility, I genuinely think a toe in ten different ponds produces nothing except exhaustion && frustration when none of it lands. Pick the thing you can go all in on && go.
That’s been my relationship with social media. I left because I couldn’t be all in on it in the way it required. && I’ve been going all in on in-person networking since. Except now I’m realizing I don’t really want to go all in on that either. Which means I’m back at the question: what do I actually want to be all in on?
I don’t have the answer yet. And for once, I’m letting that be okay.
What I Actually Want Back
At the end of all of this processing, what I landed on is something simpler than any strategy or system or rebrand.
I want back the belief that success is inevitable if I go all in.
That’s been the through line of everything that’s ever actually worked for me. Not a specific tactic or platform or offer. That belief. Unbearable, unshakeable, I don’t care what the data says today, I know where this is going belief. And somewhere in the funky season, in the uncertainty, in the all-the-things of being a 39-year-old woman building something while also trying to be a present mom && a good wife && a human who occasionally sleeps, I lost it a little.
And I think getting it back isn’t about finding certainty. It’s about deciding.
Deciding that I’m going to go all in on whatever comes next. Deciding that the uncertainty doesn’t disqualify me. Deciding that maybe the wisdom at this age isn’t in having the answers. Maybe it’s in becoming less threatened by the fact that I don’t.
“Maybe the wisdom isn’t in finally having all the answers. Maybe it’s becoming a hell of a lot less threatened by the fact that you don’t.”
If you’re in your own funky season, I hope this found you. Send me a love note if you needed it. && if you’re feeling certain && clear, send me your tips because I genuinely accept those too.
If MIXTAPE has been on your radar, the waitlist is open September 21st. This is the program I built specifically for the ambitious woman who knows what she wants && keeps getting in her own way. Listen now!
xx, Ash 🖤
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