Episode 208
I’ve been sharing pieces of this for a long time. The burnout, the unraveling, the seasons of trying to slow down && the realization that slow didn’t actually help, the questions about whether I even wanted to keep doing this at all. I’ve been honest about all of it in real time, just in fragments.
Today I have a little more clarity. && I’m done just thinking about it.
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The Slow Unraveling I Didn’t See Coming
A couple of years ago, I hit a level of success I had dreamed about for years. And then, slowly, pieces of it started coming apart. Not dramatically. Not all at once. More like a slow leak you don’t notice until the tire is flat.
There was the season I thought it was because I was doing everything too intuitively && needed more structure. So I built more structure. Then came the burnout, the sabbatical, the shutting down of things. Then the realization that after all of that, all the same patterns were back, && slowing down had somehow taken more from me than it gave.
I’ve talked about all of it. The questioning whether I wanted to be an entrepreneur at all. Imagining entirely different careers. What if I went back to traditional therapy? What if I became a teacher? What if I just… stopped? I’ve had all of those thoughts.
And the confusing thing, the thing that made it so hard to land on an answer, is that every single time I’m on a client call, I get off and think: I am really fucking good at this, && I love it. So it was never the work itself. It was something else.
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I Laid Down. For Years.
Here’s the part that’s been hardest to say out loud.
After hitting that level of success, something in me went: you did it. You can rest now. You’ve been pushing for so long. Lay down.
So I laid down. && I told myself it was wisdom. It was self-awareness. It was honoring my nervous system && my season && my capacity. And some of it genuinely was. But some of it was something else entirely.
Some of it was fear. Some of it was the risk-aversion I developed without even noticing, because life had thrown enough at me that going all in started to feel genuinely terrifying. Some of it was comfort-seeking dressed up as healing.
&& here’s the thing about comfort: you don’t find it by avoiding discomfort. That’s the trap. If I don’t put myself out there, I’ll never fail. If I never send the email, I can’t get rejected. If I never go all in, I can’t lose it all again. Except what I actually lost by playing it safe was the fire. The edge. The version of me that sold furniture to pay for a mentor because she believed in herself more than anyone else did.
I didn’t kill her. But I put her to sleep for a while. && I’m ready to wake her up.
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The 90-Day Challenge: Locking In
I’m giving myself 90 days to find out what happens when I genuinely start going for it again.
Not rebuilding my old business. Not trying to become the 29-year-old who would do anything at any cost. Not chasing the version of success from a few years ago. I’m not trying to go back. I’m trying to go forward with more of myself intact.
What I do know, even when I don’t know everything else, is that I want to be sure. I want to know whether this season of questioning is my intuition telling me something real is ending, or whether it’s my fear telling me to stop right before the thing actually gets good. && the only way to know is to stop thinking about it && take action.
So starting October 1st, I am locking in. Q4. 90 days. All in.
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About Social Media (Yes, I’m Coming Back)
I know. I know.
I left very publicly. I stand by every single thing I said about why. I believe that social media impacts the chemistry of your brain even when you have excellent boundaries around it. I believe it can be genuinely harmful. I haven’t changed my mind about any of that.
But here’s what I’ve also realized: social media was a strong accountability tactic for me. It was how I made a commitment && showed up for it. It fueled something in me that I haven’t been able to replicate in the same way through in-person networking alone. && if I’m going all in for 90 days, it feels like a necessary part of that.
So I’m coming back. I could leave again at the end. I could leave in the middle. I’m going in with my eyes open && a commitment to watching how it impacts me. But I also just want to see. I want to know. && I can’t know without doing.
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What MIXTAPE Is Actually For
I’ve been building MIXTAPE for a long time. && as I’ve gotten closer to launching it, I’ve realized I’m standing inside the exact work I built for you.
MIXTAPE isn’t about becoming the version of yourself who never gets stuck. That version doesn’t exist. It’s about knowing yourself well enough to recognize when you’re getting in your own way, && knowing what to do next. It’s tape after tape of what I’ve learned in 12 plus years as a therapist, as the entrepreneur’s therapist, as a business strategist, && from everything the past couple of years taught me about fucking everything.
It opens September 21st. Waitlist only. You cannot purchase it off my website. You have to be on the list.
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I’m terrified. I’m terrified I’ll find out this isn’t what I’m meant to do anymore. I’m terrified of the size of the commitment because I haven’t made one this big in a long time, && that alone says something. I’m scared I’ll mess it up.
&& I’m going anyway. Because thinking about it has never once given me the answer. Only action does.
If any part of this is yours right now, come find me. We are not alone in this.
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“I’ve been thinking my way to answers for years. Thinking doesn’t give you answers. Action does.”
xx, Ash 🖤
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