What’s as essential as it is often overlooked? 🤔
Belonging. 👀
But not just belonging — Exclusion, too.
Buckle up, because we’re getting real. 🔥🧯
A couple of months ago, I had the sweet & joyful pleasure of working with my dear friend and colleague, Katie Quesada, an insanely brilliant storytelling coach. We embarked on a journey where I laid my entire raw & unfiltered story on the table for some story extraction calls. It was like she had seen me naked under the brightest fluorescent lights ever. 💡
&& let me tell you, it was a game-changer. Whether you’re a business owner or not, understanding the value of belonging is crucial. It’s not just some fluffy concept; it’s a fundamental human need that affects every facet of our lives.
You see, belonging is tied to our survival instincts. Wayyyy back in the day, being part of a tribe meant safety and survival. Fast forward to today, and while we’re not exactly fending off tigers or gathering our village together to scavenge for food to survive, because alone there was no sense of survival… Our brains still crave that sense of connection. 🧠🐅🥬
While that deep survival connection might not be the truth anymore. The truth that is very important is that that still applies to us. We still feel that internally and biologically whether or not we’re aware of that, right? That fight, flight, or freeze response. 🤺🚀🥶 In fact, when we feel excluded or like we don’t belong, it triggers a cascade of effects — Mental, physical, social, economic, you name it.
On a recent call with a private client, we dissected my “selfish era” and the time I took off to focus on myself. Because she’s interested in entering one of these eras for herself, she asked, “what did you do every day?” Honestly, I was lonely. I was in a semi-new place, away from family, and struggling to connect. That loneliness seeped into every part of my life, including my business. But here’s the kicker — I couldn’t just dive into making new friends. I had to take care of myself first. 🫶🏻
So that’s exactly what I did every day.
It wasn’t easy. It’s so much simpler to stay home, avoid the effort of new connections, and keep to yourself. But I had to push through that. I reached out to old friends, made new ones, and slowly built a community. Some might say I cheated the system because, yes, I paid for retreats and memberships to find my tribe, but hey, sometimes you need to skip the line and get to the good stuff, right? I know my people are inside so you bet your ass I’m gonna slip the bouncer a 20 to get inside faster. 💵😏
Back to my story coaching calls with Katie, she asked me this hard hitting question…
“What have you left at the altar of belonging?”
Let that sink in…
How often do we sacrifice parts of ourselves just to fit in?
It hit me hard. 🧱 Like a ton of bricks actually because there’s two sides of the coin. The side where we want to be intentional, conscious, cognizant of our belonging, both in how we cultivate it out, but also how we cultivate it in. But, then there’s this other side of when & how we choose to do or not to do something in order to belong. In order to belong. 🥲
Being excluded is a heart-wrenching experience. And the truth of the matter is sometimes we have to purposefully exclude ourselves. &&& she recognized this in me. 🥹 I’m just very appreciative of this recognition and being seen and felt in this. She said, and I’ll never forget…
“Out of everybody I’ve ever connected with, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it is, you choose self-chosen exclusion over and over and over again, because you’re not willing to leave anything at the altar of belonging.”
Ultimately what this means is:
Who are you being so that other people are comfortable and include you?
How are you acting so that other people are comfortable and include you?
How are you choosing inclusion instead of exclusion for the reasons of comfort?
Even though the discomfort of self-exclusion would awaken a whole new version of you. 💫
Here’s the truth bomb, my friend: We need to belong to ourselves first. If we’re constantly trying to fit into others’ expectations, we’re leaving pieces of ourselves behind. 💣 It’s vital to stand up for what we value and believe in, even if it means facing discomfort or exclusion. When you belong to yourself, everything else falls into place.
I’ve realized over the course of my selfish era that loneliness might be an epidemic right now, but the root cause is often a lack of self-belonging.
So, my challenge to you is this…
Choose you. Be radically honest with yourself. Where are you compromising pieces of yourself? What needs to change?
It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. When you truly belong to yourself, you attract the right people, opportunities, and experiences.
P.S. I have a SUPER juicy and exciting announcement coming up 🤫📈💻🫶🏻 My newly revamped membership focused on creating a space where you truly belong. More on that soon, buuut for now, remember: choose you. Always.
xoxo, Ash
THE REDEFINE MASTERMIND
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This is a hybrid-mastermind experience where tailored business strategies get a therapeutic edge — pairing emotional wellness with a customized approach that meets you where you’re at and takes you where you’re going. Wanna learn more? Check it out here && I can’t wait to see your application!
